


the breakup

by 10vesick



Series: love (it's merely a madness) [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, even though johnny's right there, mbfw AU, ten tries to convince himself he doesn't believe in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 18:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18610375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10vesick/pseuds/10vesick
Summary: “I think we should break up.”The words float over the air, sound waves resonating inside his ears as if they were something unknown to him, something someone else has said instead of him. He feels his heart scrunching inside his chest, and the stinging of tears makes him open his eyes, slowly, trying to hold back the burning sensation.





	the breakup

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of a series that complement [my current social media AU](https://twitter.com/xuxirolled/status/1117937984714702855) so it's recommended you read that in order for these to make sense ;v;

_November 7 th, 2009_

_6:28 PM_

 

Ten knows he’s making a big mistake.

He knows it, but he’s made up his mind. He knows that, if he doesn’t do it now, it’ll just be more difficult to do it in the future. His stomach hurts and his hands are shaking, and he doesn’t think he has the heart to do it, but he has to do it.

_Now._

Ten takes a deep breath, closes his eyes as he does so. 

“I think we should break up.”

The words float over the air, sound waves resonating inside his ears as if they were something unknown to him, something someone else has said instead of him. He feels his heart scrunching inside his chest, and the stinging of tears makes him open his eyes, slowly, trying to hold back the burning sensation.

He doesn’t want to, but his sight falls over the boy in front of him. And the crumpling sensation multiplies by a thousand.

Johnny doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. He just blinks.

He stares at Ten silently, and the latter almost thinks that, maybe, Johnny didn’t hear him. He thinks that, maybe, he actually didn’t say anything and it was just his imagination playing tricks on him again.

Ten thinks that, maybe, this is the universe telling him he’d be making a big mistake if he were to actually say it out loud.

But the universe isn’t as merciful as he thinks it is, and the tiny bundle of hope that had started to grow inside his stomach is vanished when Johnny opens his mouth to speak.

“I was wondering when you were gonna say that.”

Ten frowns, and it’s like everything that’s going on with him just suddenly stops. His stomach stops turning, his hands stop shaking.

His heart also stops beating.

Johnny looks terrifyingly calm as he approaches his boyfriend. He sits down at the edge of the bed, next to him, and reaches out to hold Ten’s hand in between both of his. He raises the other’s knuckles to his lips and presses a kiss over them, soft and tender.

“I know you’ve been thinking about it for days,” Johnny whispers. His eyes are fixed on Ten’s fingers, honey pools trembling so slightly Ten almost doesn’t notice. Almost. “I know because every time I said I love you, you didn’t say it back.”

That’s all it takes.

That’s all it takes for the tears threatening to fall from Ten’s eyes to give up and stream down, pouring alongside everything he’s been feeling for the past few days, alongside a sob so heart wrenching Ten questions if it really came out from him.

“I’m sorry,” he breaks down, and it happens so suddenly and without a warning, even Johnny is taken aback at his reaction. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry, y-you don’t…”

Ten shakes his head, and he can’t bring himself to say anything more than repeat a hundred _I’m sorry_ ’s and _You don’t deserve this_ over and over again. His voice cracks each time he’s about to say something, and his breath stutters when he tries to take a deep breath.

It’s strange, to see Ten like this.

Ten, who’s always bubbly and smiling.

Ten, who’s always being flirty and confident.

Ten, who always has such a cool image, it seems like nothing bothers him.

Such image crumbles before Johnny’s eyes as he stares at the small bundle of whimpers in front of him, and he scoots closer to wrap his boyfriend in a tight embrace, letting the torrent of tears soak through his shirt for as long as Ten needs. 

Johnny remembers Ten telling him once he’d only ever cried three times in his entire life.

“It’s okay,” Johnny reassures, running his fingers through Ten’s hair time and time again, attempting to calm the strong contractions his entire body trembles with. “You have your reasons. It’s okay.”

Ten shakes his head again, mouthing _no_ against Johnny’s chest.

He knows there’s a few reasons that lead him to believe this is the only choice. He knows, because he’s been listing them for the past few days, and they’re scribbled down on a dozen different notebooks around his dorm room, his own handwriting strange before his eyes every time he wrote something down.

_He makes me feel weird._

Because he calls Ten every morning just to ask if he slept well. He leans down to press their lips together every time Ten smiles. He holds Ten’s hand all the time when they walk together, and kisses his fingers without missing one. It all makes something inside Ten burn.

 _He takes up too much space in my mind._

Because he’s the first thing Ten thinks of when he wakes up. And before he goes to bed. When he’s dancing. When he’s in class, or in the middle of a test. Even when he’s talking to Taeyong, or cheering for Yuta at one of his soccer matches. Anywhere he goes, there’s Johnny on his mind.

_He wants to get married as soon as possible. And start a family._

Both of which are not on Ten’s plans. Or rather, they could be, but he’s in no rush. He’s 18, for God’s sake. He has so many things he wants to do, so many places he wants to visit. So many dreams he wants to achieve. Ten can’t imagine himself being held back. By anyone.

There’s a few more reasons why he knows he has to break up with Johnny.

But the most important one is engraved on his mind, heavy worded, repeating itself over and over again. It sickens him because he knows it’s a lie. But it’s a lie he has repeated to himself so many times, maybe he has started to believe it.

_He’s in love with me, and I don’t believe in love._

Ten knows it’s an excuse.

He’s had boyfriends before. He’s done the whole _dating_ thing more than once, trying to convince himself to give love a chance. He’s had boyfriends before, but none of them had ever made him feel the way Johnny has.

Deep down, Ten knows what the painful throbbing inside his chest means. He knows because of the way his palms sweat and his knees buckle and his lips won’t stop curving into a damn smile every time Johnny’s around.

Deep down, Ten knows he’s in love, and that this is all just an excuse.

It’s an excuse he’s grown to believe because sometimes his mind plays tricks on him and repeats a thousand different intrusive thoughts on loop, like a broken record.

_What if I can’t fulfill his expectations? What if he doesn’t even love me back? Or does, but not with the same intensity? What if it backfires on me? What if he isn’t serious? What if this is just too good to be true?_

He knows they both constantly express deep love for each other, and Ten feels so lucky to have found such a genuine connection with someone. Perhaps a little too lucky.

And suddenly, he’s too afraid to lose it.

Too afraid to not know just how true this all is.

Ten knows he should just enjoy what he has now. He knows he should just push it all away and trust his boyfriend a little more. But the thought of Johnny getting tired of him is always at the back of his mind, mocking him, threatening him.

He’s always nervous Johnny will stop loving him one day, get bored of him. And the thoughts take over and it’s been so overwhelming he’s come to the conclusion this is the best thing he can do. For both his sake, and Johnny’s.

So he’s cutting things off before Johnny can.

“You deserve so much better,” he sobs into Johnny’s arms, the lump in his throat making it hard to speak.

“I don’t want better,” Johnny coos, his fingers still diving into Ten’s hair. “I want you.”

Ten clenches his fists, not knowing whether to be mad or to give up hope all together. “T-This is just… Never going to work.”

And for some reason, Johnny knows it’s true.

It’s true because, despite being very similar souls, they’re also deadly different. Their dreams, their ambitions, everything they’re striving for. Johnny wants quiet, assurance, certainty. Ten wants ecstasy, adventure, to not know what’s going to happen next.

It’s true because everything they want is on polar opposites. Even each other.

Because Ten is a firework, painting the night sky. And Johnny’s a flowing river under the day light.

Johnny knows it’s true, but he still shakes his head and holds onto their last string of faith.

“Is there something I can do?” Johnny asks, and his voice cracks near the end, and Ten hates him because he knows what he’s doing. He’s asking what he should change, what he can do differently so it’s easier for Ten to be with him.

Ten hates him for trying to make him feel better, even though he’s not the one getting dumped. 

That’s just Johnny for you— always putting others first, even when his own heart is being stepped on.

Ten pulls back, shaking his head no and scrubbing his nose with the sleeve of his sweater. _Johnny’s sweater._ He instantly regrets getting it stained with snot and tears.

He raises his gaze, slowly, almost scared to meet eyes with the other. And when he does, he can see the golden ponds he loves so much, hidden behind a pristine curtain.

“You know, the thing that makes me want to cry is,” Johnny purses his lips, and the first one of glassy tears falls from his eyes when he blinks. “I really don’t want to lose the best friend I’ve ever had.” 

Ten’s heart skips a beat.

From the moment he’d decided to break up with Johnny, the thing he’d feared the most was losing him. But now he has him here, in front of him, telling him that he also doesn’t want to lose him. No matter the price or the circumstances.

He wants to continue being part of Ten’s life.

Ten sobs once more, but a sorrowful smile tugs at the corner of his lips. He cups Johnny’s face between his hands, thumbs wiping away his tears, and leans in to press their lips together in a last, bittersweet kiss he knows they’ll both remember 10 years from now.

A kiss that involves a silent promise between the two of them. A kiss that says _No matter what happens, I’m here._

Ten doesn’t know heartbreak, but this feels the way people describe it in books and movies.

He doesn’t know heartbreak, but this feels close to it because of the way everything burns. The tears on his eyes, his chest. Johnny’s touch on his skin.

Ten doesn’t know heartbreak.

But he promises himself this is as close as he’ll ever get to it.


End file.
